Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?