First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
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Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.