I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
*lint rolls you awake*
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?