Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk