I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
No, he would not have.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Did my cat write this
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?