I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.