hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it āturntā how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between āloseā and āloose.ā
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonaldās
[McDonaldās]
Me: weāll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please š
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
āwe want grandkidsā best i can do is graphic design
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
you grow upā lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know youāre planning how to make someoneās death look like an accident
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. Itās finally my time to shineā¦
Aw beans
wtf is this choreography ššš
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husbandās dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eveā¢…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour š
How come itās called an āengagement ringā and not kneel diamond?
Heās heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesnāt know when to let something go
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
it’s the silliest best thing
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.