I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
You Might Also Like
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food