agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.