This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
tourist season
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.