Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.