I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
You Might Also Like
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.