Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..