I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Duolingo getting serious.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.