its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
You Might Also Like
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?