*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense