Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
#Caturday