Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
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HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress