My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
You Might Also Like
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.