Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Florida be like…