I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I鈥檇 take a bullet for anyone
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 馃槀
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Bout to have the best sleep of my life