Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
You Might Also Like
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!