Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Knock Knock
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.