Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
good morning
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.