Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
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Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Taliband
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.