Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.