Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I love art.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.