[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I unironically love this joke.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.