what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Overindulged this afternoon.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.