My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Dolls on drugs
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
🌱🌱🌱
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?