I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.