me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
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According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”