The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms