Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.