Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson