I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
getting corrected
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Just a friendly reminder!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”