Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”