“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You Might Also Like
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.