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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
And then there were 4
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.