What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar