Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
There is no try. There is only give up.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
house sitting!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.