I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
🙄😏😂🤣
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise