{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
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“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Anyone really
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left