Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*