Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
From my Mom
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece