Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*updates tinder bio*
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.