Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You Might Also Like
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.