[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.