Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
You Might Also Like
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The first one, obviously
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth