Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Aight bet
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.